Defeated

Defeated. That is the word that is on my mind right now. That, and overwhelmed. I feel defeated by this house. I feel overwhelmed at the clutter that my house creates and the way I feel when I look around me.

I'm also feeling very nostalgic. I look at my kids and see how much they have changed since they were babies. I look at their bedrooms and see all that they have, and all of the blessings that God has given us for them.

I'm always comparing myself to my Mother, and the way that I grew up. I had a really great childhood, and I'm always striving to be like my Mother. I was looking at some pictures of my family when I was growing up, and I realized that our house wasn't always clean. In fact, most of the time there was a ton of stuff in our bedroom pictures! But I have such great memories of growing up. So I guess what I need to take away from that, is that even though I feel overwhelmed at the very sight of any room in my house, my kids are still growing up and making their own memories. I also need to remember that one day my house will be clean. My Mom's house now is what I keep thinking that I need to have, and that's not true. What will my kids remember? A mom who is constantly cleaning and not playing with them? I hope they remember a Mom who loves them unconditionally, and who plays with them... but someone who can also keep a house clean!

Even after all of that, I just can't shake the tiredness. How do I balance keeping everything clean (when I'm basically the only one cleaning - no offense to anyone else in the house, I'm just the one here during the day to do it), and being a good Mom? I just feel like my whole life is tilting out of control, and I'm barely hanging on and keeping it together.

I think I'm in much need of a productive Spring Break to feel back on track... Oh, and more bible study time with the girls (that REALLY helps!). :)